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Worst Jokes Ever!!!

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#18,742 ·
One day, a very rich man announced in a party that if any person present in the party dares to swim across the swimming pool which has more than twenty crocodiles, he will be awarded with either half of the rich man's property or his beautiful daughter.
After a period of silence, the rich man saw a young man splashed into the pool swimming as fast as he can, with all his efforts, saving himself from the crocodiles. And at last, he survived through the pool.
Everybody started clapping. The rich man was overjoyed with the young man's bravery. He congratulated him and then asked what do you want, my property or daughter.

To this, the man replied, "Sir, neither I want your property, nor your daughter, I just want the man who threw me in the water."
 
#18,743 ·
Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.

The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy".

The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.

The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
 
#18,744 ·
A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.

"Look Here Lady, your finger is broken!"
 
#18,745 ·
A sickly patient went her doctor's office where she underwent a complete physical exam.

The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
 
#18,746 ·
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law."
 
#18,747 ·
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
 
Discussion starter · #18,749 ·
Mom: What do you want for your birthday, honey?
Daughter: I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.
Mom: Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?
Daughter: No. Barbie coms with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken
 
#18,754 ·
Bill Gates jokes:

While you wasted time reading these jokes, Bill Gates has already made another million dollars.

Hi, My Name is Bill Gates and today I'm going to teach you how to count to ten.
1, 2, 3.1, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10.

When it comes to writing Bill Gates jokes, I EXCEL.

I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me. Not my fault they don't have Windows.

How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.

How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight. One to work the bulb and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
 
#18,755 ·
Three women are sitting in a bar talking about their love lives.

The first one says, "My husband is an architect. When we make love it has power, it has form, it has function. It's incredible!"

The second one says, "My husband is an artist. When we make love it has passion, it has emotion, it has vision. It's wonderful!"

The third woman sighs and sips her margarita, then says, "My husband is a programmer developing Vista for Microsoft. When we make love, he just sits at the end of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when it gets here."
 
#18,756 ·
A man his wife and their 6 children are standing at a bus stop waiting for a bus.
The man sees a blind man with a cane walking up to the bus stop.
The bus arrives and the wife and husband notice that the bus is quiet full so the blind man and the husband ordered the wife to take the children and get on the bus.
The blind man and the husband tell her that they can walk to their next destination.
So the wife and children get on the bus and the bus drives off.
The husband and the blind man start walking.
The husband is annoyed by the tapping of the blind man's stick, so he says to the old man "If you would put a rubber on the end of that stick, it wouldn't make so much noise".
The blind man turns to the young man and says "if you would have put a rubber on the end of your stick, we would have fit on that bus".
 
#18,757 ·
A Canadian guy, an American guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar.
They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging.
The American guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team."
Not to be outdone, the Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could form a hockey team."
So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped. I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team."
Pausing, briefly, the Middle Eastern guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one more and I would have a golf course!".
 
#18,758 ·
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827."

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says: "He's decomposing."
 
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