BMW F800 Forum banner
1 - 20 of 974 Posts

· Administrator
Joined
·
11,439 Posts
I take it that it is snowing in Iowa, Bill. [uhoh]
 

· Administrator
Joined
·
11,439 Posts
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
That is a real stinker, Alanl. [sure]
 
  • Like
Reactions: AlanI

· Administrator
Joined
·
11,439 Posts
From my elementary school days: "Spot on the Wall by One Flung High". [:(]
 

· Administrator
Joined
·
11,439 Posts
I love reading Alan's jokes, but I am not very good coming up with them myself. However, here is a nice little video which I believe belongs here. Be sure to watch it to the bitter end. (P.S. my daughter has three of these robot vacuums and fortunately chickens instead of a dog. [sure] )

 

· Administrator
Joined
·
11,439 Posts
I seem to be on the old folks joke email list. Here are the ones I received this morning from an even older friend:

ROMANCE
Betty was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Betty was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...."

Mildly irritated, he reached across gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck...."
Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Betty asked..
"To get my teeth!"


DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the recroom at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."



OLD FRIENDSTwo elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"



SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the interstate, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car...It's hundreds of them!"



DRIVINGTwo elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. And, again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
 

· Administrator
Joined
·
11,439 Posts
I just received this joke from the Easter Bunny. It is a stinker. [uhoh]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
Jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
Rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal
Lover, pulls over and gets out to see
What has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
The Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
Sees a man crying on the side of the road
And pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," ! He explains,"I accidentally hit the
Easter Bunny with my car.... And KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
Bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the
Two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves
Again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
Turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
Turns and waves, and repeats this again and again
And again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the
Easter Bunny ?"


The woman turns the can around so that the man
can read the label. It says..

"Hair Spray"
Restores life to dead hair,
And adds permanent wave.
 

· Administrator
Joined
·
11,439 Posts
I just received these funny church announcements this morning from a church-going enthusiast:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-------------------------
 

· Administrator
Joined
·
11,439 Posts
I wonder what is going to happen when Alan is no longer snowed in and he gets to ride his BMW instead of dreaming up nutty jokes? [uhoh]
 
  • Like
Reactions: AlanI

· Administrator
Joined
·
11,439 Posts
I say it is the old guy behind the tree and we should tax him. [lol] (Just a few more days here in California and we will have made enough money this year to pay our State and Federal taxes. Now I have to start saving up for the local and property taxes. [sure] )
 

· Administrator
Joined
·
11,439 Posts
"Now I have to start saving up for the local and property taxes."

If you made as little as I do you wouldn't worry about taxes. If you'd not spend like a drunken sailor on payday you'd have enough to cover the problem![lol]
I hate to think of what the neighbors pay in taxes vs what I pay on a house I bought 42 years ago. Prop 13, Howard Jarvis is the patron saint of poor home owners.
I just renewed my membership in the Howard Jarvis Taxpayers Association today. [:)]
 
  • Like
Reactions: notacop

· Administrator
Joined
·
11,439 Posts
One thing that I know for sure is that if you have lawyers and money (and a Congressman or two in your back pocket), the tax system works great for you - and that is no joke. [;)]
 
  • Like
Reactions: Roadpizza

· Administrator
Joined
·
11,439 Posts
I thought it was strange that a little discussion about taxes would completely derail the bad joke thread. I was wondering if there were no jokes that could top a tax discussion. I am still wondering about that. :confused: It certainly seems to have scared off Alan. Was he a German tax collector who ran off because he thought his cover was blown? [:0]

We need more bad jokes to get this garbage truck started again. [uhoh]
 

· Administrator
Joined
·
11,439 Posts
Well, it is about time that Alan returned. He must have run out of jokes and needed to visit the local bookstore for a new joke book. [;)] Keep 'em coming, Alan. [:D]
 
  • Like
Reactions: AlanI

· Administrator
Joined
·
11,439 Posts
It is good that we are getting some bad jokes again.

Here are a couple of really old jokes bad jokes from California: What is orange and sleeps six? A CalTrans (state DOT) truck.

PG&E (our Northern CA electricity utility) stands for: Pacific, Graft and Extortion. [:p]
 

· Administrator
Joined
·
11,439 Posts
That is a real stinker, Trevor. You may have won the bad joke award for today. Will anyone challenge him? [uhoh]
 
  • Like
Reactions: trevor

· Administrator
Joined
·
11,439 Posts
The President is already there. He is at the Mountain View, CA, Walmart today and acting as a door greeter. All you now need is $32,200 to get through the door. My has Walmart gone up scale. [sure]
 
1 - 20 of 974 Posts
Top